the Dignity of Witness
on seeing the full tapestry
Dear Dharma friends,
Hello from an elated day in Philadelphia. Everyone is wearing green. Even our toddler has his Eagles cheer down. It sounds like, “fi eee-gle fi!”
Fly indeed! What a game. I hid out in a cafe to write this dharma talk. On the drive over I saw an older person limping down the middle meridian of the road in a t-shirt and open hoodie. It’s 36 F outside. I wanted to reach out and zip up his hoodie.
This reminded me of coming off the highway in San Francisco and how I used to brace for the multiple folks walking up the road asking for money. It was hard to know who to give to. It was hard to remember to carry cash. In truth, it was hard to roll down the window and reduce the barrier between them and me, to really look at these people in their circumstances.
Most of us turn away to protect ourselves. Yet this moment with its blitz of executive orders from the second Trump administration is a call to witness the world. We must find the courage to do so.
In Buddhism, to witness is called upekkha. It means balance. Upekkha is the second intention of awakened beings.
But wait, you might ask: who’s the awake being?
In the Tibetan Buddhist dharma lane, we hold that enlightenment happens all the time. Awake beings are here. I’m not talking about angels. These are people who change history with their dedication and service. They’re also people unknown outside of their communities. Think of folks whose compassion is contagious, who seem a little unbelievable in how open, loving, and giving they can be.
This moment is an opportunity to evolve. Some of the Tibetan Buddhist practices include the vow to wake up in this very moment, on this very seat.
We could all hold such big aspiration. The world is on fire. People are suffering. Many more will suffer because of decisions we’re making right now. If ever there was a time to reach towards enlightenment, this is it.
Enlightened intention begins with metta, lovingkindness. The flow of kindness is so important in Thailand, my culture of origin. Recently, my family came down with flu. Then my parents visited from Thailand. They just left, landing home in Bangkok, and texted that they must have caught a cold on the plane. This is a specific cultural kindness that wouldn’t want us to feel bad that they caught flu from us. Of course it was the plane!
So first you want to be in friendship with yourself and others. You want to have flow in and out of your heart. Then you want to cultivate the heart’s quality of upekkha, balance.
The Sanskrit word upekkha is often translated as equanimity, but that’s easy to misunderstand. When we say equanimity, we don’t mean indifference. Upekkha isn’t fatalism. It is not: who cares as the world burns. Upekkha is to see what is happening within the tapestry of causes and conditions.
In the TV show Shrinking, Jimmy is a younger therapist trying to impress Paul, a grouchy and brilliant older therapist. Jimmy invents “jimmying”, which is to pop his patients out of their stuck places, hoping to prove that he’s a great therapist like Paul.
In one example, Jimmy kind of forces his patient to leave her abusive husband. Probably all of us would agree this is a good idea. But Jimmy hasn’t thought through the consequences of forcing this woman out of her marriage. Where is she going to live? Is she going to change her name? Leave the city? What will she do for work?
Jimmy would say that he is acting with compassion, but actually it’s what Buddhists call Fool’s Compassion. That naive, Mister Fix-It attitude is okay at 8, or 21, but short-sighted in a full-grown adult. Jimmy makes a mess of his patient’s life. He doesn’t see his patient within the causes and conditions that have kept her in this terrible relationship.
Any of us who have dealt with loved ones with addiction know the strong hold of fool’s compassion. That is the desire that says— I know better. If you would just hand over your agency, I’m sure I could change your life.
That’s not how life works. We must hold our own hearts as we witness our loved ones continue down the road they are on. They have their agency. They are in their own karma. We’re here when they’re ready to change.
Clear seeing while holding our heart is upekkha. We strive to find the balanced view. Only then can we consider what skillful action would look like.
There’s an example in Shrinking of real upekkha. In the show, Jimmy’s wife was killed by a drunk driver. At some point in Season 2, that same driver appears in Jimmy’s life. Jimmy says he’s fine. Paul replies with something like: you are a minute away from exploding into addiction. You’re such a mess that you can’t even see it. When you are ready to deal with it, I am here.
That is upekkha. It’s seeing what’s needed. It’s acknowledging what you can do. It’s seeing what can work. Paul can’t force Jimmy to talk. Paul can only offer. He can see the circumstances and say he’s there.
There is upekkha in the Serenity Prayer when people recite, “grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Good parents of adult children know upekkha. It’s impossible to snowplow the world to be safe for their grown kids. It wouldn’t serve the grown kids anyway. But that engaged heart that hurts for your babies while acknowledging that really, the kids have to go through whatever they’re going through— that is what we’re going for.
The awakened intention is to turn that balanced view with compassionate heart towards everyone. Upekkha and compassion are connected like an infinity loop. It is the heart’s courage to see the un-housed person in Berkeley who still wears newer REI gear. Did they lose their job recently? Go through a divorce? The heart trembles to notice such details. Still, we take them in.
There is dignity in this quality of witnessing. Toni Morrison was doing it when she wrote Beloved. I am in love with the book I’m currently reading, Leslie Silko’s Almanac of the Dead. These novels are masterpieces of witnessing America’s treatment of African American and Native peoples. They’re not engaged with bitterness or judgement. They’re insisting that we read and see. That we touch the ground of the truth. That is upekkha.
It’s funny that I began this post with a nod to the Eagles’ Super Bowl win, because it occurs to me that the perspective of that far-seeing bird of prey is what we are cultivating here.
There is something fierce and alive in such clear sight. I hope you find it.
With palms joined,
Sunisa
This is the second in a series on the Divine Abodes. Here is metta, post one.