To return the heart to itself

On metta

Dear Dharma friends,

I recently taught my first retreat at Heart Sangha. It was on metta, lovingkindness, to ourselves.

Metta is the first of the Divine Abodes, the brahmaviharas. When I was a kid I spent a lot of time in Thai temples, which, if you haven’t experienced, are ornate wonders. Colorful glass mosaics adorn the outer surfaces of the temples in Bangkok. In the tropical sun the temples glimmer. One temple we visited, though, was decorated in clear glass. It shimmered like sun hitting the ocean. I’ve always thought of that specific temple as the seat of the Divine Abodes. I think there were four main temple halls. We could name one structure for each of the abodes: lovingkindness; compassion; equanimity; sympathetic joy.

We practice holding these four qualities in our hearts. They form the intentions of a bodhisattva, one who is in the world to help others.

The reason we give ourselves metta first is a bit like fitting the oxygen mask over our face first. You’re no good to your family or community if you pass out.

You’d think, in this brash and ebullient age, that plenty of us are showing ourselves lovingkindness. Incessant broadcast of our life is not metta. Narcissism isn’t metta. It’s actually a sign of deprivation of metta towards yourself. It can mask insecurity, greed, and jealousy. Many women have trouble giving themselves metta. It’s a fun trick of life that you can give metta to your kids, your partner, and your community, but fail to put yourself in the stream of lovingkindness, not hearing what your needs are.

Here is a radical thought: the ability to direct love to ourselves is a litmus test of our ability to love others. There is shallow love, and there is deep love. In this modern age, I believe the challenge is to see ourselves honestly for our neuroses and peccadillos, our scars and holy wounds, and embrace all of them. Only then can we embrace the sheer contradictory madness of humanity.

Try saying the metta phrases to yourself with your eyes closed. Here is my translation:

1. May I be safe.

This encompasses, May I not be in danger. May I know I’m not in danger.

2. May I be happy.

May I not be fearful of others. May I be in touch with my inherent, loving nature.

3. May I be peaceful.

May I relinquish fear, anger, jealousy.

4. May I be free.

May I find and follow the teachings to transcend the grasping and aversion.

Pay attention to your body’s reaction to these phrases. If you can feel your heart receiving these phrases right away, that is amazing. Say it a few more times in meditation, before expanding the aspiration to those you love, those you struggle with, and all living beings.

May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be peaceful. May you be free.

If you hear some quibbles— ah, no, this is corny. Or— ah, I don’t deserve it. Or maybe even— get away. I hate this! You may have some gentle inquiry to do with your body’s defenses.

Do you have self-loathing? Many of us wouldn’t admit it if we did. There’s a spectrum from self-loathing to self-disappointment and self-doubt. Perhaps these qualities arose as protective measures, like a high wall around the heart. If we don’t admit love, we cannot be disappointed. For some of us our childhoods were training grounds in self-loathing. Perhaps our adult lives provided the circumstances to develop self-loathing. Whatever happened, to enter the stream of life we want to thaw our hearts. We want to love ourselves. We want to be able to receive life’s gifts, starting with the lovingkindness of the universe.

Maybe it’s time to make friends with that old wall and ask it, respectfully, to come down.

Why are we deserving of lovingkindness? From the Buddhist perspective, it’s because we are alive. We are in this perfect human form. Perhaps we feel this type of love toward our kids. You don’t love your squalling baby because they came out with curly hair or straight. Your love, hopefully, isn’t conditional on whether they can shoot a basketball or not. The quality of love is so big it’s blinding. It’s because of—nothing. Your kid’s sheer existence elicits love. That love isn’t negotiated or contingent.

Imagine turning that quality of love on yourself. Imagine appreciating yourself the same way. Because you are alive, you are deserving of love. Because you are alive, you are loved that much!

Working with these phrases over time will soften and expand the heart. Our heart’s true nature is a goopy, open, loving-acceptance-place. (Yes, that’s the technical term.) Heart’s boundlessness extends towards all life without distinction.

When you work with the phrases and get to that goopy state, it comes as a relief. We could probably all use a little heart detox. Heart wants us to drain the poisons and restore our healthy, vital, ebullient qualities. Metta phrases is a practice to tune the heart to its inner yearning, to return the heart to itself.

With lots of droopy love,

Sunisa